The Greeting Card Theory of Biblical Authorship

To understand a passage in the Bible, you need to understand who it was written to and what it’s used for. So of course, many verses in the Bible should be understand as greeting card messages.

That means the Bible is:

  • Unoffensive – Jesus wouldn’t want to hurt sales by saying something disturbing. You probably misunderstand what he meant.
  • Inspirational – Now, it doesn’t matter what you’re being inspired to do, if anything at all. Inspiration simply means a vague feeling of warmth and elevation. The Bible was written by divine inspiration.
  • Generic – Nothing in the Bible necessarily applies to you personally. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Being cut to the quick, as on the day of Pentecost… well, that was the day of Pentecost. That was a different dispensation.
  • Diverse – Your freedom of choice is paramount. Don’t let your mind be narrowed. Pick any one you want, and it will be just fine. It’s up to you what to say. We’re not talking about the Ten Commandments, you know. Well okay, maybe we are. But do you really want them on your greeting card?
  • Decorative – You only read it for a short time. After that, it has to look good. You have to look good.
  • Smug – You did what you were supposed to do. It’s the thought that counts. Not that you put much thought into it. But you cared enough to send the very best thought that someone else wrote.

2 thoughts on “The Greeting Card Theory of Biblical Authorship

  1. Self-Assuring – the point of the Bible is to make sure that you know that you are both a decent, worthwhile person and that you are already on the right track. When you read it, always underline the bits that emphasize this.

What do you think?