But where do missionaries and martyrs come from, if God never calls us to be uncomfortable? Maybe missionaries and martyrs are different from you and me. Maybe they don’t mind serving God even when it costs them something. Maybe they’re in a different place than us.

Wait… that part about being in a different place… you don’t think that’s eternal or anything? I hope not.

When Isaiah says our human righteousness is like “filthy rags,” he wasn’t talking about anything you get when you change the oil in your car.

When Paul said that he counted his previous righteousness as “loss,” he wasn’t talking about anything you’ll find in the lost and found.

That means the Bible is:

• Unoffensive – Jesus wouldn’t want to hurt sales by saying something disturbing. You probably misunderstand what he meant.
• Inspirational – Now, it doesn’t matter what you’re being inspired to do, if anything at all. Inspiration simply means a vague feeling of warmth and elevation. The Bible was written by divine inspiration.
• Generic – Nothing in the Bible necessarily applies to you personally. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Being cut to the quick, as on the day of Pentecost… well, that was the day of Pentecost. That was a different dispensation.
• Diverse – Your freedom of choice is paramount. Don’t let your mind be narrowed. Pick any one you want, and it will be just fine. It’s up to you what to say. We’re not talking about the Ten Commandments, you know. Well okay, maybe we are. But do you really want them on your greeting card?
• Decorative – You only read it for a short time. After that, it has to look good. You have to look good.
• Smug – You did what you were supposed to do. It’s the thought that counts. Not that you put much thought into it. But you cared enough to send the very best thought that someone else wrote.

Many popular interpretations of the Bible can be best explained with the theory that the apostles and prophets didn’t mean what they wrote. Of course, this theory is never applied to the authors of instruction manuals, judicial opinions or restaurant menus. But the Bible was written a long, long time ago. Maybe people in those days just liked hearing the sound of their voice and nobody ever contradicted what they said. Everybody was happy and peaceful and vague, just like in the hippie movement. Perhaps the authors of the Bible were using gentle mind-expanding chemicals. Maybe they were doing Purple Haze.

Under the Purple Haze Theory of Biblical Authorship, readers can approach every Bible verse that they don’t understand, or that they don’t like, with a single rule of interpretation: what the writer was trying to say doesn’t matter. What matters is, how do I want it to make me feel? You don’t have to be theologically liberal to use this principle. Millions of evangelicals approach the Bible this way, much of the time. Hard sayings in the Bible – scratch that: any saying in the Bible – can be replaced with the Greek or Hebrew equivalent of murmuring “Aw dude…”

Let’s try this theory on a actual Scripture – Luke 9:23

Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

Here’s the Purple Haze paraphrase:

So Jesus laid this on them: “Being cool spiritually means doing something with yourself and being cool with me.”

Notice that the words “deny” and “cross” are untranslatable, just like “Selah.”

So put some flowers in your hair, put some Crosby, Stills & Nash on the record player (you do have a record player, don’t you?), open up that Bible, and chill. After all, they call it inspired literature. So be inspired.

Maybe a white wooden church with a steeple, so that religious people would feel comfortable.

Maybe a large modern brick edifice, so that powerful people would feel comfortable.

Maybe a sprawling metal building, so that the budget committee would feel comfortable.

After all, we all know how important it was for Jesus to make people feel powerful, or religious, or frugal.

Or comfortable.

No, there is another gospel, a different gospel with a greater appeal to conservative American Christians – and it’s even included in many editions of the Bible. A book that did not originate with Jesus or his apostles, and yet one that many American Christians find indispensable. Though the early church didn’t need it, we can’t get along without it.

I refer to the Book of Indices. Since the New Testament writers didn’t write one, we need to do it. Since Jesus’s teaching was not systematic enough for our tastes, we need to systematize it for him. We need to rearrange the Bible according to topics, because the arrangement that God used is sorely lacking.

Why didn’t God provide an inspired index to the Bible? Are we missing something? If so, I guess we can always fill it in ourselves.

Which scene in Jesus’s life would be enhanced by Christian hip hop? When was Jesus the most rebellious?

Which scene would be typified by gospel elevator music? When was Jesus the most passive?

Which scene should be accompanied by sweeping choral music? When was Jesus the most proud?

Okay, maybe this won’t work after all.

This principle has profound effects in the areas of Christian ethics. It suggests that God doesn’t really expect us to follow him in any area where we have reason to believe that less than 85% of society will tolerate his position. After all, he is an understanding god, and knows our weaknesses. Anybody in the remaining 15% has gone too far in devotion to God (statistically speaking), and deserves whatever they get.

Check my math. We may be onto something.

Today’s common heresy postulates that there can be a condition known as partial filling of the Spirit. That is, God controls certain parts of your life, depending on your preferences – usually the parts of your life that you already agree with God about. The other parts of you can be considered separately, without calling into question your relationship with God.

This heresy is especially useful for members of religious traditions that emphasize being filled with the Holy Spirit, because it explains why you aren’t filled with the Spirit just now. For other traditions, where being filled with the Holy Spirit is equated with your normal, non-threatening, churchly self, this heresy describes the typical Christian life. It would be nice to experience the normal Christian life, however.